Our Heart, a muscle God knew would have to be really strong.

I think depression runs in our family from way back. Way back to my grandma Coopers sisters. Maybe even further back then that. The thing is I get that way at times. I try to hide it, keep it really low key. I don’t want my children to be that way. I try to control it so if they do see me in it they know that I can control it so if they get that way then they too will control it. Truth is, sometimes in some people it can be uncontrollable.

 Like when my mother passed away. At that time in my life it was very uncontrollable for me. You see, I loved my mother with all my heart but she treated me so badly my whole life I never felt her love for me. I believed she truly hated me. I tried my whole life to “win” her love. I failed horrible at it though. As time went by it got worse and worse. When I turned 13 my mother told me she hated me. I was a no good son of a b$&@h teenager and for me to get the hell away from her. So I did just that. I stayed away as much as possible from home. On her death bed she apologized to me and promised if she lived she would be different to us girls and make it up to me. But she died and left a huge gaping whole in my heart. It took me down to a deep dark place I couldn’t climb out of. I was in that dark place for over a year. 

I have a good life really. My husband and I worked very hard for our family paying for our property,  home, cars, etc. The thing is it feels so very lonely to me. Many many years of loneliness. I live 2000 miles from my NY family for almost 40 + years. I missed out on everything family. Bbq’s, family reunions, birthdays, bluegrass camping festivals with my parents, just about everything. Why? Because my mother told me she hated me. So I left far away one day.  

When I met my husband I fell in love with him and his family. I tried for years to be a part of his family. I did everything I could to be different, to be kind, loving, and nice to them. I was picked on, talked about behind my back, even told I was the same as that “Wacko from Waco” guy who killed 100’s of people. I was tormented by them. Miserable for years. I even hated going to the family get togethers they had for it made me feel targeted. I was so lonely then too. We finally moved two hours away from them after being married for 22years and at that point let them go. Gave up completely on trying. Weird thing is, after that, I was actually treated better by most of them. I realize now maybe, just maybe I was trying to hard and they might have thought I was too weird for them. In their defense they are very sweet people.

My husband works nights has been for years. I don’t know how we survived these 37 years of marriage. I mean at night I’m alone. No one to hold me tightly, cuddle me in their arms to sleep comfortably and feel safe. No one to keep me warm on cold nights. During the day most of those 37 years I worked while he was sleeping alone. On my off days I was cleaning house, doing laundry, taking care of babies (our children). So who had time for sex or hugs or intimacy? Who was not so worn out and tired and capable of it? It was very lonely and hard to keep pushing on. In others eyes they see you as Wonder Woman. They see your life as perfect. Truth is, no ones life is perfect. It was tough. So there was cheating. 

I blamed myself for years. I thought to myself, why didn’t I just push myself a little bit harder, a little bit further to make him happy and feel loved by me to keep him true to me? I made myself miserable. Twice. It happened twice. How could I let that happen? I must have been a horrible wife, mother, woman, right? The thing is it was not my fault. I did everything a person could do to take care of a family of five children. I worked a full time job to help with finances. I kept the children clean, fed, and clothed. I kept a very clean home. I cooked good meals. I did my part. I can’t help it but I’m not Wonder Woman and I break down too. I get tired, exhausted really, I get sick too. Cancer. Yes it grabbed me during one of those cheating moments. Surprised? Yes, I was too.  Cheating is a choice made by the cheater. It is a choice to give up on the person they are with. It is a choice to move on most times. Cheaters tell good lies to cheat. What they don’t realize is the pain they cause the other person they are cheating on. The distrust they leave behind in that persons heart forever. It ruins chances for new relationships if there turns out to be a need for one. It’s hard, and causes deep unhealable wounds in that person.

Then on top of all that I am now dealing with the pain in my heart with my daughter. It feels like history is repeating itself. My mama and me vs my daughter Melinda and me. I love her with all my heart but I don’t like her. She hurts me all the time. My hearts is always broken. I miss my grandchildren everyday. When she had Jeffrey she kept both boys from me out of meanness. Now she does it with Keith. I have tried to fix our relationship but I can’t. So I give up. I just pray God let’s me live longer to spend some time with him after he is grown enough to visit me on his own. I miss you Keith. If God takes me home before than, I hope you get to read this to know how much I love you!

So ask yourself this question, how does one bounce back? How does a person heal from the pain of that? I don’t know what to title this blog as. It has so many subjects to it. Depression, loneliness, bullying,  cheating, and healing. #life #loneliness #brokenhearts #healing  

The answer for me? God. Without him I would have been gone a very long time ago. 

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I’m re blogging this here from my”tumbler” account. This is a must read in my opinion!

I never usually reblog things like this.. but if it saves just one persons life… please take time to read this even if you think there is no point in living. PLEASE.

 

Anonymous said:
What happens once you kill yourself? Because I’m ready to go.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is a reply from someone with the username Extrasad:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You wanna know what happens once you kill yourself? Your mother comes home from work and finds her baby dead and she screams and runs over to you and tries to get you to wake up but you won’t and she keeps screaming and shaking you and her tears are dripping onto your face and your dad hears all the screaming and runs into the room and he can’t even speak because the child that he loved and the child that he watched grow up is gone forever and finally your little sister runs into the room to see what all the fuss is about and she sees you dead. The person she looked up to and loved. The person she bragged about to her friends, the person she wanted to be just like when she grew up, the person that made her feel safe. But she’s never really going to get to grow up and smile and laugh and love because she’ll always be consumed with this feeling of missing you. And now there’s something missing from your family and they can barely look at each other anymore because everything reminds them of you but you’re gone and hurts more than anything. and you think that your mom never cared because she was always busy and yelling at you to finish your homework and clean your room and forgot to say I love you sometimes but really, she loved you more than anything and she doesn’t leave the house anymore, she can’t even get out of bed and she’s getting thinner and thinner because it’s too hard to eat. Your father had to quit his job and he doesn’t sleep anymore, every time he closes his eyes he sees his baby dead, and the image never goes away no matter how much alcohol he drinks. And at school your best friend sees that your seat is empty and she gets this sick feeling in her stomach and that’s when she hears the announcement. You killed yourself. And suddenly she’s screaming and crying in the middle of class and no one even bothers comforting because they’re all busy sitting there staring at your empty seat with tears dripping down their cheeks and all she wants is for you to hug her and tell her it’s gonna be okay like you always did, but this time, you’re not there to do it, everything is dark now that you’re gone and her grades are slipping, she barely goes to school anymore and she ended up in hospital after taking too many pills because she wanted to see you again. the girls who used to make fun of the way you dressed feel their throats get tight, they don’t talk to each other anymore, they don’t talk to anyone, they’re all in therapy trying so hard not to blame themselves but nothing works. and your teacher who always gave you a hard time stares blankly at the wall, she quits her job a few days later. And then your boyfriend hears the news and he can’t breathe, he still calls you a lot just to hear your voice and he talks to you on facebook but you never message him back, he can’t fall in love again because every girl he meets reminds him of you, he’s never going to get over you, he loved you and he cries himself to sleep every night, hating himself and slicing his skin because he couldn’t save you and he’s never going to hold you in his arms or hear you laugh again. Now everyone who knew you, whether they were a big part of your life or someone you passed in the hallway a few times a week, they carry this aching feeling around inside them because you’re gone, and they miss you, and they don’t know why you left but it must’ve been their fault and they should’ve stopped you and they should’ve told you they loved you more and that feeling is never going to go away.

And so you killed yourself but you killed everyone else around you too.

 

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When their grown …

“When they’re little they sit on your lap; when they’re big they sit on your heart.”

Now that my children are grown, (I have five), I can say without a doubt that this is way harder than having little kids. When my children were growing up, I made my way through working days, late dinner hours, extreme messes, nail-biting, softball and baseball games, Daisies and Girl Scouts, thunder storms, rain & hail storms, and hurricanes. During all those years I kept thinking in the back of my head: once my children grow up, my work will be done. But actually I find that, having little kids was a breeze. As long as you hugged them, made yummy foods for them, played games with them, read them stories, and allowed play dates with their friends things seemed to be, for the most part, O.K. You could fix most of their problems, and distract them from others. Your home was mostly a haven from all that might be painful and difficult in the world beyond.

All of that changes when they grow up. They fall in love, they get their hearts broken, apply for jobs, leave or lose the jobs, choose new homes to rent, can’t pay the rent for those new homes. They drink, do drugs, they forge their way, all just outside of your helping reach, hanging with the wrong crowds. Then, when bad things happen, they need you like crazy, but you realize that the kind of help you’ve spent 36 years learning how to give is not very helpful during this time of their lives. You can’t fix their disappointments and pain. Instead you have to watch them make the big mistakes you want to protect them from. You have to walk away and let them make these mistakes even though your heart is breaking. Sometimes you have to use tough love. It is the worst thing to have to do. The pain is very real, and very deep for us and them. Tough love is hard and definitely the last resort.

I have been through some very tough past years myself and needed my mom, I lost my mother in 2004, my lil’ sister in 2008, and then my father in 2010. In July 2014 my oldest sister moved several states away, it broke my heart. I needed her more than anything to stay here with me. I cried and cried myself to sleep many nights. Then seven months later I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I wanted my big sister to be here by my side but I couldn’t let her know that. I felt like if she didn’t want to live here while I was well I had no reason to ask her to live here while I was sick. So I went on fighting the good fight.

My daughter broke up with the man she was with for eight years also in 2013, the man she loved, the father of my sweet grandsons and moved in with me. She brought the baby with her, the oldest was with his dad. We weren’t allowed to see him, it hurt deeply. My daughter was in such deep pain. A heartbreak no one can fix. She raised that boy from 3 years old to 11 years old. That was all she could do was cry, day and night, she just cried. I didn’t know how to help her, and I didn’t know how to handle my own nearly unbearable feeling of pain. I wanted to be by her side constantly, I wanted to hold her and tell her mommy would make it all better but I couldn’t. I wanted to go out and hurt those who had hurt her, and yet I wanted to get as far away as possible, just to avoid the pain, her pain was causing me. I missed my oldest grandson like crazy, my heart was broken.

During those difficult days, months, and years I kept telling people that I wasn’t cut out to be the parent of adult children. I felt my kids were facing disappointments and mistakes that I couldn’t help them solve and pain they were unlikely to outgrow. I had to let them live their life, fix their own problems and work their own magic. Being a parent to grown children is hard. I miss my babies a lot. So my advice? Enjoy yours while you can, before they grow up, childhood goes by way too fast! 😦  And most importantly train to be a Psychiatrist, you’ll need one!

Proverbs 22:6 (NLT) “Direct your children onto the right path, and when they are older, they will not leave it.”

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“Father Knows Best”

The important thing to remember here is that we have welcomed our daughter in our home, cared for our grandchildren and helped her financially when she needed it until she got a job. I then cared for the grandchildren almost up until she moved out. This perhaps is what any loving parent would do for their adult children. It seems, though, as if she had taken our help for granted, to the extent that there were no boundaries, and she felt a sense of entitlement, and there was certainly no excuse for her to behave in an intimidating manner towards me. I felt she was very intimidating towards me most of the time, and this behavior should not have been tolerated. When she lived with us I spent more time in my own room then I did out in the other rooms of my own house. After four years of this she finally took her children and moved out into her boyfriends place. We began arguing and fighting constantly. It was just way too much for me to handle. She then refused me any contact with my grandchildren for awhile. So I decided to shut her out of my life until some drastic changes can be made.

Shutting a person out is a response to anxiety, frustration and fusion. Cutting off is a way some people manage anxiety and too much stress when they don’t know a better way to solve the pain they feel. The love and caring is there; the ability to solve differences is not. Many manage stress this way. Many have a “fight or flight” response usually. And some people are more prone to distancing (flight) when emotional intensity gets too high (that would be me) the reason I spent most of my time in my room. It does take quite a while before I get to that point. I can take a whole lot on my shoulders before I finally say “enough is enough!” I have been through so much in my lifetime that I find the “flight” response my response. This is usually the response out of a person who has been abused either mentally, physically or both.  Others have to recognize that when some people feel anxious, stressed, very tired of conflict or pressure, or too much of the fusion, their response is to distance themselves, be it emotionally, physically or both. When a person distances from others, they feel a sense of relief because the distance seemingly brings the conflict to an end. The anxiety, stress, intimidation and emotional abuse goes away.

I was told by a close friend of mine that: “on the outside, it looks as we are disconnected. but on the inside, we are actually thinking about each other all the time and remain overly focused on each other because we are connected at the heart. God has connected us in a way that we can not really let go even though we try. We are, in fact, still extremely involved with one another:  we are emotionally bound up together, even though all communication has ceased. Neither of us are free from the original problem; nor are we free from each other. Your pain is real. Be mindful and compassionate of it, but don’t allow it to define or overwhelm you. Put the focus on what you have control of; your own life.” She did make some sense of it all for me.

I’m not sure how true that is. I do know that I love my daughter extremely and that is why I had to go to extremes to get relief from the pain and heartache she has given me for so many years. I have not “given up” on her but instead, need breathing space, healing time, distance for awhile, and less stress. I feel she is on her journey, as I am on mine. I admit I probably went about it in all the wrong ways but sometimes taking drastic measures are the only way. Tough love is a very hard thing to do in any case. It will totally depend on her how this whole thing plays out. Myself? I have given it to my father up above, after all “Father knows Best!” Its just way out of my control and I just had to give it to Father God. He should be the one in charge anyway, not me or her. I probably won’t be on this earth too much longer anyway, I plan to be with my father up above so I gladly give it all to him.

Philippians 4:6 

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

 

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LIFE …

 

It’s a very complicated thing. It’s very emotional for most people and I am not the exception. It can be happy, sad, painful or even psychotic. I think the secret to survival is to not let the emotional happenings control you. Things happen; and they are going to be easy or hard and some will be very painful sometimes.

Guard your heart, protect your insides. Keep all of it at a distance. Most of all don’t let them change the real you to something different then you are. Keep being YOU.  NEVER let them inside your heart. Keep your heart safe, and protected from all harm. Never let them see you sweat. Never let them win.

I think this is what I have done. The years have been tough on me. I have grown from them. I’ve learned from them. I have a guarded heart. I have been hurt in my life, most of my life. I taught myself to just move on and to move on quickly. I recently have gone back home to NY for the first time since my parents and lil’ sister passed on. It was rough to be there. No contact with my family was tough. No words, no closure still. I don’t know really what I was looking for. I have no idea what I was even doing up there. I just know again it was painful. I have so much anger built up inside of me and I have no idea how to release it and let it go. One day perhaps I’ll know …  ;(  

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What my Cancer journey taught me.

I went to see my primary doc in February 2015 and he suggested that I get my yearly mammogram and set up the appointment with the hospital. I went there and they noticed the tumor right away while they were doing the images and they told me of their suspicions. They then sent me to another room to do a biopsy for confirmation. I believe they knew at that time what it was but told me to see my primary doctor asap for the test results. My primary doctor called a few days later and asked me into his office. He confirmed what I was told by the doc during imaging and my biopsy. He said, it was confirmed that I had  breast cancer and he recommended I go to MDAnderson and see Dr Reyna. He felt she was the best  Breast Cancer Oncologist around our area. If you asked me what else my doctor said on that day, I wouldn’t be able to tell you. I was in a deep fog of thought process while he was talking to me. I never thought I would be diagnosed with cancer at age 54.  Somehow I knew I would be diagnosed at one point in my life but not this soon. Most of my family members passed on due to the Cancer monster.

All I could think about was the uncertainty ahead. Surgery, Radiation, Chemo, My hair, and other side effects and the scariest of it all the possibility of death. The burden I was going to be for my hubby and my family. The deep loss for my children and grandbabies once I passed. My future was so terrifying because I really had no control over it. I looked at my doctor and then my hubby and then the tears just started to flow.

When we got home we called our children and told them I had cancer. My hubby and I went into our bedroom and at that point we hugged and cried, and I could see that he was hurting just as much as I was. At that moment, I knew I had to be strong for both myself and my family. I told myself I can’t break down like that again. Unfortunately I did a few times but not around my kiddos. I cried alone, in my room, in my bed, quietly, so no one would see or hear me.

I stood at work lacking any form of concentration, and the minutes felt like hours before my day would end. Deep down I knew I had to tell them at work but I didn’t want to accept it myself. I decided to just wait until I was able to find out all the details of what I would have to endure before spilling it all to my HR.

Upon consulting with my oncologist in the Woodlands I realized this was going to be a long road but it looked like I could beat this.  I was told I had clinical stage T1 and Dr. Reyna gave me such hope, her nurse Sara was such a blessing to me! We discussed that this was caught very early and that it could and will be removed and treated. I would have my life back again!

I braved my drive to work (which takes me an hour) praying all the way because today was the day I would talk to my HR. Upon her suggestion I agreed to take a medical leave so I could deal with the doctor appointments, tests, scans, surgeries, radiation treatments and medications. It really was the best answer to my cancer dilemma at that time.

After surgery of removing the tumor and reconstructive surgery of my breasts I had 30 rounds of radiation, Proton Therapy Radiation. I was declared cancer-free on June 3, 2015.

Now, after  a year of my diagnosis and my first visit to MD Anderson, I’ve gone from seeing cancer as a nightmare to feeling thankful for my second chance and all of the valuable life lessons I’ve gained. Here’s what I’ve learned from cancer:

The clichés are true. Don’t take anything for granted. Love unconditionally. Laugh until it hurts. Say I love you so many times that it gets annoying. Help people who are less fortunate. Learn the meaning of sacrifice. If you fall off the horse, get back on the saddle. Appreciate the people who are there for you. If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

Things can always be worse. Have fun on the good days, and on the bad days, know there is a better tomorrow. When I was going through radiation, I felt nauseous, had some light burns that blistered like a bad sunburn, suffered from severe headaches and had other common side effects. Through it all, though, I reminded myself that things could be worse.

When you wake up in the morning, give thanks for the air in your lungs, for having the opportunity to live another day with your loved ones, for each and every one of the blessings in your life.

Get to know your body. Go to your yearly check-ups. Get second opinions. If you think something isn’t right, ask for more tests. Don’t be afraid of your doctors. Don’t let your life be defined by anyone else other than yourself.

Seek out the best possible care.  I recommend seeking out the best care possible. My doctors at MDAnderson Woodlands believe that my cancer was about 6 months or more in my body. During that time I felt itching and burning in my breast area where the tumor was located. Your body will tell you (if you are listening) that there is a problem. Don’t ignore the signs!

Cancer has given me a sense of gratitude that I was unaware existed. What I thought was a nightmare diagnosis truly turned into a blessing thanks to the love of my family and the grace of God.  I am still here, healthy, and very much alive.

Remember MEN can get Male Breast Cancer too! Its rare but, 1% of all cases are male. In the United States, 2,190 new cases of male breast cancer were expected to be diagnosed in 2012, as compared to 229,060 cases in women.  Now that was in 2012, imagine today in 2016! Men are diagnosed at a much later stage than women (causing a higher loss of life)  because its such a rare thing to happen that most don’t do the breast check. So please be safe and do the breast check!

Cancer is mentally and physically challenging, but don’t let it shut you down. Dust yourself off and get back up, even if you have to crawl. This is your life, after all, and it’s worth fighting for. #endcancer

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Trying to understand my adult estranged children.

I’m sitting here in dismay. Wondering where I went wrong in raising my children. I always thought I was a fairly decent mama to my children. I know that times get tough and sometimes our personalities clash a bit. But I always thought that LOVE would win in the end. I know sometimes I can seem harsh or maybe even cruel at times with my words. I don’t mean to be. Sometimes hearing the truth from me is a bit hard to take. I’m not a mean person just an honest upfront kind of person. When I say something its because it needs to be said. It may hurt you but its truthful.

I’m not at all the kind of person to say something sweet, mushy, and kind, and then tell someone else a different story. When you face me, you are seeing what you will get. I don’t savor my words with milk and honey. I say whats on my mind and I mean it when I say it. You may misunderstand me when I say something but if that’s the case take the time to ask me what I meant! Don’t just go irate on me and assume the worst.

I don’t hate people, especially any of my children, the ones I went through hours and hours of  anguish & labor pain and even surgery to birth! I only want whats best for them. But I will be the first one to tell them when they are doing something that’s not pleasing to our heavenly father or to myself and their daddy. Also if they are causing some type of harm to themselves by their own actions I will let them know. I will NEVER do anything to harm my children or anyone else for that matter. We all make mistakes though, I’m no exception by any means.

Sometimes things are said and done that hurt me deeply too, I have feelings also. They don’t see how I feel and how they hurt me when they speak. Sad thing is it’s not all about them. Sometimes it might just be about someone else. Perhaps its about me or someone else. Others have feelings too. They need to know that they aren’t perfect and sometimes they hurt others too. What they say really cuts deep in the heart sometimes and they don’t acknowledge it because they are too busy feeling their own feelings. Watch what you say to others, you may just get back what you dish out.

That is all I’m going to say on the matter. I love you so much my children, ALL of you. Just remember this …

Life is hard and no one ever told you it was going to be easy. The bible even tells you its going to be hard. That is why you need guidance. Pray, Read the word, and follow what you are told. Life will get more understandable, not easier, but more understandable. #familylife #familylove #familydisagreements #lifegoeson

 “Honor your father and mother.” This is the first commandment with a promise: If you honor your father and mother, “things will go well for you, and you will have a long life on the earth.” Ephesians 6:2,3

“Why do you call me ‘Lord, Lord,’ and not do what I tell you?” Luke 6:46

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