What’s happening? I don’t understand, God …

I can’t understand what is happening in my life lately. So many would say it’s punishment (those who don’t know my heavenly father that is). I know in my heart it’s to make me stronger for something bigger that’s ahead of me.

Back in July on the 19th my sweet fur baby that I had for ten years was taken from me without any warning. In less than a week of seeing the vet for a small irritating spot inside her ear she was gone. The devastation was pure agony for me. Now only four months later I find out I have cancer back again. I don’t know how to feel. 😐

First of all I want to say for those ignorant people that spread some dumb@$$ rumor that I was faking it, that I never ever had breast cancer in 2015, you desperately need some professional help! Why in the world would I make that up? Although I wished I hadn’t had it! Cancer sucks, but it sucks so much more when you have gossipers and haters that cause you more stress and heartache while going through it.

Second of all it would be illegal for me to have accepted monies from the benefits my family had for me. It’s called FRAUD and I don’t and would never do that. It would have been very illegal and I would have been sent to prison. So just to clear all that up I have proof of my dr appts., diagnoses, and radiation treatments to confirm. Karma people, just remember “Karma”!

Now I am having to face this all over again. I can’t face this again with these haters tormenting me. So I have given it to God. He’ll be taking care of that for me!

Roman’s 12:19 “Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.

So now I move on trying to get better and beat this again.

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My sweet sweet Rosiegirl is just not with me anymore and the pain is so unbearable …

Who would have thought this stray dog from the woods would have grabbed my heart so tightly? She wrapped me right around her sweet little paws. I fell deeply in love with this sweet little girl who seemed so timid, so scared, and maybe even abused. She was dumped in the woods on Mill Gate in Livingston with a huge dog crate. No food, no water, just a small rag and that huge crate. She was there for at least a month running back and forth across that road from her crate to the other side of the street. Almost getting hit by cars over and over again until I captured her and brought her home. She became my baby from that day on until this past Friday night when she was abruptly removed from my life. ☹️😢💔

My sweet innocent baby girl is gone. The saddest week of my life. Never in a million years would I think a few pills would take her from me like that. Never would I have thought that taking her to the vet for one thing would end up causing so many other bad things to happen so quickly. It did!

My sweet furbaby didn’t deserve the painful end of her life to happen that way. She was an old lady but a healthy one. I miss her so so very much. Every minute of the day and night I think of her! Every spot in this house reminds me of her. My heart is so broken. 💔 My life is forever changed.

She had a small old lady mole in her ear that was a bit irritated so I took her to the vet to get it taken care of before an infection occurred. They gave her two meds. They built up a toxicity in her kidneys and a few weeks later she was gone. You think your doing the right thing to help your baby and then BOOM!

The thing is; one mistake, just one, can harm someone. That one mistake can not be reversed, ever! 😢 Be careful with your loved ones. Be very over protective, check out every medication they give you!

Make sure you know before you leave that office what that medication can do, how fast it can do it, and what you can do to stop and reverse it. Protect your family from all kinds of harm always.

How can I do this now? How can I go each day without her and have all these deep reminders following me around?

I feel like I let her down. I feel like I failed her miserably. I have so much heart wrenching guilt inside me! 😢💔😭 #ImissyouRosiegirl #mysweetprettyRosie #myhearthurts #IloveyouRosie ❤️ #untilwemeetagainbabygirl #meetmeatthatgatewhenmytimecomes #mybeautifulRosiegirl #Imissyousosomuch

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Sometimes …

Just a few thoughts to ponder …

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I know I am sometimes wrong, sometimes I say things that I did not have to say, and do some things I did not have to do. Sometimes the things I do say are usually misunderstood because I do not clearly explain what I am trying to say. I know that sometimes I am very complicated and I am not very easy to understand, and that sometimes I get angry easily and act out.

Sometimes I may not do very many things well, and sometimes I do them very well. Sometimes I am calm, sweet, kind, loving, and Christ like and sometimes I am not. We are all human and sometimes that makes us difficult. It makes me difficult.

Sometimes I lose control because sometimes the bad memories come flooding in. Sometimes my past catches up with me and pulls me down to a level I can’t climb back out of. We all have a past, some good and some bad. Most of the time the good outweighs the bad. Sometimes it does not.

Sometimes the things we try so hard to move away from just follow us. Sometimes even when we plan it we can’t get away from it. Sometimes it just comes right back to us without our consent. Its like a bad penny and it always returns. Sometimes we have to live with it and accept it.

Then again sometimes we have to move on. If you want to see changes sometimes we have to make those changes. Sometimes we try, we try so hard to remove somethings but they just return and messes you up even more. Sometimes things are not exactly as they should be. Sometimes things are exactly as they seem.

Sometimes …  ;(

Thank God he carries me …

footprints

Psalm 32

A psalm[a] of David.

Oh, what joy for those

whose disobedience is forgiven,

whose sin is put out of sight!

Yes, what joy for those

whose record the Lord has cleared of guilt,[b]

whose lives are lived in complete honesty!

When I refused to confess my sin,

my body wasted away,

and I groaned all day long.

Day and night your hand of discipline was heavy on me.

My strength evaporated like water in the summer heat. Interlude

Finally, I confessed all my sins to you

and stopped trying to hide my guilt.

I said to myself, “I will confess my rebellion to the Lord.”

And you forgave me! All my guilt is gone. Interlude

Therefore, let all the godly pray to you while there is still time,

that they may not drown in the floodwaters of judgment.

For you are my hiding place;

you protect me from trouble.

You surround me with songs of victory. Interlude

The Lord says, “I will guide you along the best pathway for your life.

I will advise you and watch over you.

Do not be like a senseless horse or mule

that needs a bit and bridle to keep it under control.”

10 

Many sorrows come to the wicked,

but unfailing love surrounds those who trust the Lord.

11 

So rejoice in the Lord and be glad, all you who obey him!

Shout for joy, all you whose hearts are pure!

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Road Trips …

I love to take road trips. I’m not really sure why exactly. If I’m not driving them or my road trip partner isn’t, then I’m reading someone else’s Blog about them driving on their road trip! It’s crazy but very true. So this last road trip was very different than any I have been on before. First of all usually I go East, this time however we decided to go West (in mid winter) mind you. It was a very dangerous trip but also the most beauty I have seen a very long time. God does the most beautiful sky paintings I have ever witnessed.

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My twin girls have an eye for taking great photos of that beauty. They must have taken thousands of photos along the way there and back home. This one above however is one I took with my phone. It does not do it justice at all as a photo. You should have seen it in person though, beautiful! Here are a few taken by my girls.

This particular trip was to Simms Montana, Simms its a small town outside of Great Falls Montana. 27658137_10155832727190781_4804103978202861659_n Have you ever been there? This was my first time and I absolutely loved the terrain. I must say the beauty of it all was breathtaking. I can only imagine the beauty of Spring and Summer in that area. I want to go back, I really do but I also want to go see more of the West. I have never really been that way. Being that I am from the East, I just have always gone East. Why is that anyway? I guess naturally we as humans just always take the most familiar route. I think subconsciously we are afraid to venture out in the unknown. Unless we know someone that makes us feel a form of safety we would never really venture out into the unknown territory.

Well I am ready to venture out there. I want to see the beauty, I want to feel the difference in the temps. I want to feel the wind on my face whether it be cold or warm. I want to see and feel the hand of God. I am in such awe of the creation of God. The things man has made can not ever compare to the natural beauty of God’s hand! Seeing it first hand with my own eyes is an amazing gift. In our own homes and areas of state we take complete advantage of this. We complain all the time about the silliest things. We don’t stop to look around at the blessings we are given right in front of us. Its sad it takes a road trip outside our natural domain to see his gifts.

I have been reading and studying for the 40 days of Lent. We are so blessed to have the opportunity to do that, to have the freedom to do that. I was planning on giving up social media for my 40 days of Lent but in my studies and during my eye opening experience I have been brought back to social media. Its like I’m being lead there by God to show ya’ll what God has shown me. I’m not hanging on fb or anything by no means but when God leads me to something, he leads me to post it somewhere. Like I can’t move forward until I post it, Strange. On the way into Colorado we were 7,742 ft high in the mountains above sea level. We were actually up in the clouds! Here is a picture of what we were seeing at that point. The white smokey stuff you see are the actual clouds. Our windows were getting moisture build up from them. It was amazing! Here in Texas (where we live) we are at 124 ft above sea level. HUGE difference.27336629_10155824278685781_1100574191949460125_n

The thing is I am normally a very quiet reserved person. I speak usually only when I’m spoken to, or if I feel the need to speak. Well that is with people I do not know well. Sometimes the need to speak can be loud or dominate. I try not to do that, but if I feel a defense is necessary then it will happen without a form of control behind it. As my grandmother would say “choose your words wisely when you speak them, but speak them as necessary.” That would describe me totally. I’m not always right but for the most part I won’t speak out unless I feel sure it is necessary to be spoken. Of course not everyone see’s that, especially the ones I’m speaking out against.

Montana (only 2 1/2 hours away from Calgary Canada) amazed me in many ways though. Well anyway parts of it. When the storms come in, they pick up their sidewalks (matter of speech) and tuck them away until the sun returns to melt some of it. They literally close down everything in its path (safety reasons of course) but I had never witnessed that anywhere before. In their defense they do get a whole lot of snow and ice! Whew! The frigid winds up there blow at about 60 mph and freeze everything in their path. You can get frostbite in about five minutes if you are not prepared for their weather. Mother nature is very mean to them, lol (I wonder what they did to piss her off)! All kidding aside though I hear they need that weather to keep their crops going to sell the wheat they produce up there. Its all set in God’s plan somehow. Something man can never fathom or even try to understand or control if they tried.

Some things, (even though man seems to think they have control of), they absolutely do not and unless you see it for yourself, you might fall into the trap set before you by man that they do. God always brings us to our knees when we get the attitude that we are in control. What a mighty God I serve. If you need reassurance of that fact, visit places like Simms Montana during their deep winter season and God will show you just how dependent on him we really are!

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Our Heart, a muscle God knew would have to be really strong.

I think depression runs in our family from way back. Way back to my grandma Coopers sisters. Maybe even further back then that. The thing is I get that way at times. I try to hide it, keep it really low key. I don’t want my children to be that way. I try to control it so if they do see me in it they know that I can control it so if they get that way then they too will control it. Truth is, sometimes in some people it can be uncontrollable.

 Like when my mother passed away. At that time in my life it was very uncontrollable for me. You see, I loved my mother with all my heart but she treated me so badly my whole life I never felt her love for me. I believed she truly hated me. I tried my whole life to “win” her love. I failed horrible at it though. As time went by it got worse and worse. When I turned 13 my mother told me she hated me. I was a no good son of a b$&@h teenager and for me to get the hell away from her. So I did just that. I stayed away as much as possible from home. On her death bed she apologized to me and promised if she lived she would be different to us girls and make it up to me. But she died and left a huge gaping whole in my heart. It took me down to a deep dark place I couldn’t climb out of. I was in that dark place for over a year. 

I have a good life really. My husband and I worked very hard for our family paying for our property,  home, cars, etc. The thing is it feels so very lonely to me. Many many years of loneliness. I live 2000 miles from my NY family for almost 40 + years. I missed out on everything family. Bbq’s, family reunions, birthdays, bluegrass camping festivals with my parents, just about everything. Why? Because my mother told me she hated me. So I left far away one day.  

When I met my husband I fell in love with him and his family. I tried for years to be a part of his family. I did everything I could to be different, to be kind, loving, and nice to them. I was picked on, talked about behind my back, even told I was the same as that “Wacko from Waco” guy who killed 100’s of people. I was tormented by them. Miserable for years. I even hated going to the family get togethers they had for it made me feel targeted. I was so lonely then too. We finally moved two hours away from them after being married for 22years and at that point let them go. Gave up completely on trying. Weird thing is, after that, I was actually treated better by most of them. I realize now maybe, just maybe I was trying to hard and they might have thought I was too weird for them. In their defense they are very sweet people.

My husband works nights has been for years. I don’t know how we survived these 37 years of marriage. I mean at night I’m alone. No one to hold me tightly, cuddle me in their arms to sleep comfortably and feel safe. No one to keep me warm on cold nights. During the day most of those 37 years I worked while he was sleeping alone. On my off days I was cleaning house, doing laundry, taking care of babies (our children). So who had time for sex or hugs or intimacy? Who was not so worn out and tired and capable of it? It was very lonely and hard to keep pushing on. In others eyes they see you as Wonder Woman. They see your life as perfect. Truth is, no ones life is perfect. It was tough. So there was cheating. 

I blamed myself for years. I thought to myself, why didn’t I just push myself a little bit harder, a little bit further to make him happy and feel loved by me to keep him true to me? I made myself miserable. Twice. It happened twice. How could I let that happen? I must have been a horrible wife, mother, woman, right? The thing is it was not my fault. I did everything a person could do to take care of a family of five children. I worked a full time job to help with finances. I kept the children clean, fed, and clothed. I kept a very clean home. I cooked good meals. I did my part. I can’t help it but I’m not Wonder Woman and I break down too. I get tired, exhausted really, I get sick too. Cancer. Yes it grabbed me during one of those cheating moments. Surprised? Yes, I was too.  Cheating is a choice made by the cheater. It is a choice to give up on the person they are with. It is a choice to move on most times. Cheaters tell good lies to cheat. What they don’t realize is the pain they cause the other person they are cheating on. The distrust they leave behind in that persons heart forever. It ruins chances for new relationships if there turns out to be a need for one. It’s hard, and causes deep unhealable wounds in that person.

Then on top of all that I am now dealing with the pain in my heart with my daughter. It feels like history is repeating itself. My mama and me vs my daughter Melinda and me. I love her with all my heart but I don’t like her. She hurts me all the time. My hearts is always broken. I miss my grandchildren everyday. When she had Jeffrey she kept both boys from me out of meanness. Now she does it with Keith. I have tried to fix our relationship but I can’t. So I give up. I just pray God let’s me live longer to spend some time with him after he is grown enough to visit me on his own. I miss you Keith. If God takes me home before than, I hope you get to read this to know how much I love you!

So ask yourself this question, how does one bounce back? How does a person heal from the pain of that? I don’t know what to title this blog as. It has so many subjects to it. Depression, loneliness, bullying,  cheating, and healing. #life #loneliness #brokenhearts #healing  

The answer for me? God. Without him I would have been gone a very long time ago. 

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I’m re blogging this here from my”tumbler” account. This is a must read in my opinion!

I never usually reblog things like this.. but if it saves just one persons life… please take time to read this even if you think there is no point in living. PLEASE.

 

Anonymous said:
What happens once you kill yourself? Because I’m ready to go.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is a reply from someone with the username Extrasad:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You wanna know what happens once you kill yourself? Your mother comes home from work and finds her baby dead and she screams and runs over to you and tries to get you to wake up but you won’t and she keeps screaming and shaking you and her tears are dripping onto your face and your dad hears all the screaming and runs into the room and he can’t even speak because the child that he loved and the child that he watched grow up is gone forever and finally your little sister runs into the room to see what all the fuss is about and she sees you dead. The person she looked up to and loved. The person she bragged about to her friends, the person she wanted to be just like when she grew up, the person that made her feel safe. But she’s never really going to get to grow up and smile and laugh and love because she’ll always be consumed with this feeling of missing you. And now there’s something missing from your family and they can barely look at each other anymore because everything reminds them of you but you’re gone and hurts more than anything. and you think that your mom never cared because she was always busy and yelling at you to finish your homework and clean your room and forgot to say I love you sometimes but really, she loved you more than anything and she doesn’t leave the house anymore, she can’t even get out of bed and she’s getting thinner and thinner because it’s too hard to eat. Your father had to quit his job and he doesn’t sleep anymore, every time he closes his eyes he sees his baby dead, and the image never goes away no matter how much alcohol he drinks. And at school your best friend sees that your seat is empty and she gets this sick feeling in her stomach and that’s when she hears the announcement. You killed yourself. And suddenly she’s screaming and crying in the middle of class and no one even bothers comforting because they’re all busy sitting there staring at your empty seat with tears dripping down their cheeks and all she wants is for you to hug her and tell her it’s gonna be okay like you always did, but this time, you’re not there to do it, everything is dark now that you’re gone and her grades are slipping, she barely goes to school anymore and she ended up in hospital after taking too many pills because she wanted to see you again. the girls who used to make fun of the way you dressed feel their throats get tight, they don’t talk to each other anymore, they don’t talk to anyone, they’re all in therapy trying so hard not to blame themselves but nothing works. and your teacher who always gave you a hard time stares blankly at the wall, she quits her job a few days later. And then your boyfriend hears the news and he can’t breathe, he still calls you a lot just to hear your voice and he talks to you on facebook but you never message him back, he can’t fall in love again because every girl he meets reminds him of you, he’s never going to get over you, he loved you and he cries himself to sleep every night, hating himself and slicing his skin because he couldn’t save you and he’s never going to hold you in his arms or hear you laugh again. Now everyone who knew you, whether they were a big part of your life or someone you passed in the hallway a few times a week, they carry this aching feeling around inside them because you’re gone, and they miss you, and they don’t know why you left but it must’ve been their fault and they should’ve stopped you and they should’ve told you they loved you more and that feeling is never going to go away.

And so you killed yourself but you killed everyone else around you too.

 

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When their grown …

“When they’re little they sit on your lap; when they’re big they sit on your heart.”

Now that my children are grown, (I have five), I can say without a doubt that this is way harder than having little kids. When my children were growing up, I made my way through working days, late dinner hours, extreme messes, nail-biting, softball and baseball games, Daisies and Girl Scouts, thunder storms, rain & hail storms, and hurricanes. During all those years I kept thinking in the back of my head: once my children grow up, my work will be done. But actually I find that, having little kids was a breeze. As long as you hugged them, made yummy foods for them, played games with them, read them stories, and allowed play dates with their friends things seemed to be, for the most part, O.K. You could fix most of their problems, and distract them from others. Your home was mostly a haven from all that might be painful and difficult in the world beyond.

All of that changes when they grow up. They fall in love, they get their hearts broken, apply for jobs, leave or lose the jobs, choose new homes to rent, can’t pay the rent for those new homes. They drink, do drugs, they forge their way, all just outside of your helping reach, hanging with the wrong crowds. Then, when bad things happen, they need you like crazy, but you realize that the kind of help you’ve spent 36 years learning how to give is not very helpful during this time of their lives. You can’t fix their disappointments and pain. Instead you have to watch them make the big mistakes you want to protect them from. You have to walk away and let them make these mistakes even though your heart is breaking. Sometimes you have to use tough love. It is the worst thing to have to do. The pain is very real, and very deep for us and them. Tough love is hard and definitely the last resort.

I have been through some very tough past years myself and needed my mom, I lost my mother in 2004, my lil’ sister in 2008, and then my father in 2010. In July 2014 my oldest sister moved several states away, it broke my heart. I needed her more than anything to stay here with me. I cried and cried myself to sleep many nights. Then seven months later I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I wanted my big sister to be here by my side but I couldn’t let her know that. I felt like if she didn’t want to live here while I was well I had no reason to ask her to live here while I was sick. So I went on fighting the good fight.

My daughter broke up with the man she was with for eight years also in 2013, the man she loved, the father of my sweet grandsons and moved in with me. She brought the baby with her, the oldest was with his dad. We weren’t allowed to see him, it hurt deeply. My daughter was in such deep pain. A heartbreak no one can fix. She raised that boy from 3 years old to 11 years old. That was all she could do was cry, day and night, she just cried. I didn’t know how to help her, and I didn’t know how to handle my own nearly unbearable feeling of pain. I wanted to be by her side constantly, I wanted to hold her and tell her mommy would make it all better but I couldn’t. I wanted to go out and hurt those who had hurt her, and yet I wanted to get as far away as possible, just to avoid the pain, her pain was causing me. I missed my oldest grandson like crazy, my heart was broken.

During those difficult days, months, and years I kept telling people that I wasn’t cut out to be the parent of adult children. I felt my kids were facing disappointments and mistakes that I couldn’t help them solve and pain they were unlikely to outgrow. I had to let them live their life, fix their own problems and work their own magic. Being a parent to grown children is hard. I miss my babies a lot. So my advice? Enjoy yours while you can, before they grow up, childhood goes by way too fast! 😦  And most importantly train to be a Psychiatrist, you’ll need one!

Proverbs 22:6 (NLT) “Direct your children onto the right path, and when they are older, they will not leave it.”

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