I think depression runs in our family from way back. Way back to my grandma Coopers sisters. Maybe even further back then that. The thing is I get that way at times. I try to hide it, keep it really low key. I don’t want my children to be that way. I try to control it so if they do see me in it they know that I can control it so if they get that way then they too will control it. Truth is, sometimes in some people it can be uncontrollable.
Like when my mother passed away. At that time in my life it was very uncontrollable for me. You see, I loved my mother with all my heart but she treated me so badly my whole life I never felt her love for me. I believed she truly hated me. I tried my whole life to “win” her love. I failed horrible at it though. As time went by it got worse and worse. When I turned 13 my mother told me she hated me. I was a no good son of a b$&@h teenager and for me to get the hell away from her. So I did just that. I stayed away as much as possible from home. On her death bed she apologized to me and promised if she lived she would be different to us girls and make it up to me. But she died and left a huge gaping whole in my heart. It took me down to a deep dark place I couldn’t climb out of. I was in that dark place for over a year.
I have a good life really. My husband and I worked very hard for our family paying for our property, home, cars, etc. The thing is it feels so very lonely to me. Many many years of loneliness. I live 2000 miles from my NY family for almost 40 + years. I missed out on everything family. Bbq’s, family reunions, birthdays, bluegrass camping festivals with my parents, just about everything. Why? Because my mother told me she hated me. So I left far away one day.
When I met my husband I fell in love with him and his family. I tried for years to be a part of his family. I did everything I could to be different, to be kind, loving, and nice to them. I was picked on, talked about behind my back, even told I was the same as that “Wacko from Waco” guy who killed 100’s of people. I was tormented by them. Miserable for years. I even hated going to the family get togethers they had for it made me feel targeted. I was so lonely then too. We finally moved two hours away from them after being married for 22years and at that point let them go. Gave up completely on trying. Weird thing is, after that, I was actually treated better by most of them. I realize now maybe, just maybe I was trying to hard and they might have thought I was too weird for them. In their defense they are very sweet people.
My husband works nights has been for years. I don’t know how we survived these 37 years of marriage. I mean at night I’m alone. No one to hold me tightly, cuddle me in their arms to sleep comfortably and feel safe. No one to keep me warm on cold nights. During the day most of those 37 years I worked while he was sleeping alone. On my off days I was cleaning house, doing laundry, taking care of babies (our children). So who had time for sex or hugs or intimacy? Who was not so worn out and tired and capable of it? It was very lonely and hard to keep pushing on. In others eyes they see you as Wonder Woman. They see your life as perfect. Truth is, no ones life is perfect. It was tough. So there was cheating.
I blamed myself for years. I thought to myself, why didn’t I just push myself a little bit harder, a little bit further to make him happy and feel loved by me to keep him true to me? I made myself miserable. Twice. It happened twice. How could I let that happen? I must have been a horrible wife, mother, woman, right? The thing is it was not my fault. I did everything a person could do to take care of a family of five children. I worked a full time job to help with finances. I kept the children clean, fed, and clothed. I kept a very clean home. I cooked good meals. I did my part. I can’t help it but I’m not Wonder Woman and I break down too. I get tired, exhausted really, I get sick too. Cancer. Yes it grabbed me during one of those cheating moments. Surprised? Yes, I was too. Cheating is a choice made by the cheater. It is a choice to give up on the person they are with. It is a choice to move on most times. Cheaters tell good lies to cheat. What they don’t realize is the pain they cause the other person they are cheating on. The distrust they leave behind in that persons heart forever. It ruins chances for new relationships if there turns out to be a need for one. It’s hard, and causes deep unhealable wounds in that person.
Then on top of all that I am now dealing with the pain in my heart with my daughter. It feels like history is repeating itself. My mama and me vs my daughter Melinda and me. I love her with all my heart but I don’t like her. She hurts me all the time. My hearts is always broken. I miss my grandchildren everyday. When she had Jeffrey she kept both boys from me out of meanness. Now she does it with Keith. I have tried to fix our relationship but I can’t. So I give up. I just pray God let’s me live longer to spend some time with him after he is grown enough to visit me on his own. I miss you Keith. If God takes me home before than, I hope you get to read this to know how much I love you!
So ask yourself this question, how does one bounce back? How does a person heal from the pain of that? I don’t know what to title this blog as. It has so many subjects to it. Depression, loneliness, bullying, cheating, and healing. #life #loneliness #brokenhearts #healing
The answer for me? God. Without him I would have been gone a very long time ago.